Deciding if we’re ready 

Deciding we want to share is one thing, but knowing if we’re actually ready to do so is another. 

Working out how we feel

If we’re feeling safe, in control, and that this is something we want to do, then we might be ready to talk with someone. However, if we don’t feel safe talking to someone, or feel that it would be re-traumatising to talk about our experience, then we might need more time before sharing our story.

Remember, whatever our feelings, we might just not be ready yet and that’s totally fine.

Here are a few prompts that can help determine how we’re feeling, and if we feel prepared to share our story:

• What emotions come up when I think about sharing my experience?
• Am I sharing because I truly want to, or do I feel pressured to do so?
• Do I feel safe in my current environment to have this conversation?
• Am I feeling nervous but still in control, or am I feeling overwhelmed?

What if it comes up organically?

Sometimes these conversations can come up organically, even if we don’t feel 100% ready. When that happens, we can use our best judgement to decide if we want to continue. There may also be moments where we feel pressured to share before we’re ready, or with someone we’re not comfortable with. But we don’t owe anyone our story, and it’s okay to come back to it later when we feel more prepared. We might say something like, “This is something I’m not comfortable discussing at the moment—can we please talk about something else?”

What if we want to try but aren’t sure?

If we’re unsure but think it might be the right time, we can try gently bringing it up and seeing how the other person responds. If their reaction doesn’t feel supportive or we feel uneasy, it’s okay to stop and revisit it another time. There’s no set timeline—we get to decide when, how, and with whom we share our story. 

What if someone else shares without our consent?

Unfortunately, there are situations where things are shared without our consent, like in a school, workplace, or religious setting. This can feel traumatic and overwhelming, especially if we’re not ready to talk or don’t feel safe with the person involved. If this happens, we can try and assert our boundaries—letting others know we didn’t choose to share and aren’t ready to talk or take action. If everything feels out of our control, it’s okay to step back and focus on taking care of ourselves. You’ll find some support strategies in our self-care section.

Choosing the right medium

Conversations can take place in lots of different ways. The most important thing is finding the right medium for us. 

Sharing anonymously

Sometimes, we want people to know our story, but we don’t want them to know that it’s ours. 

There are many ways survivors have found personal justice anonymously. In Mexico, survivors of violence have created ‘walls of shame’ where they write their experiences with the name of the person or people responsible for harming them. In Pakistan, students of a preparatory school took to social media to share examples of abuse at the hands of teachers. Survivors around the world contact journalists to tell their stories, asking them to go public on their behalf.

Depending on the circumstances, remaining anonymous may be our safest option, but we need to be careful about protecting our anonymity. For more information on how to stay safe online, check out Chayn’s DIY Online Safety guide.

Staying anonymous may also be important if we’re pursuing legal action. There have been cases where the practice of ‘naming and shaming’ the abuser has complicated the legal process. If you have reported and feel comfortable, check in with the institution you’ve reported to, so you can ensure you’re making an informed decision about sharing more widely. 

Sharing in writing

Sharing in writing—whether by email, handwritten note, or message—can be a powerful way to share our story. It allows us to take our time, carefully choose our words, and express ourselves without the pressure of an immediate reaction. 

It also creates a written record, which can be useful for our own reflection or as documentation if we ever need it in the future. If we’re reaching out to someone for support, a letter gives them the space to process what we’ve shared before responding.

However, there are a few things to consider.

Having a phone call

If talking face-to-face feels overwhelming, a phone call can be a good middle ground. It allows us to have a private conversation while maintaining some distance, which can help us feel safer and more in control. We can choose when and where to make the call, giving ourselves the space to feel as comfortable as possible.

Here are some things to think about before choosing to call. 

Speaking face-to-face 

We may decide that speaking face-to-face feels like the best option. It allows for deep connection, helps the other person understand our emotions, and gives us the opportunity to gauge their reaction in real time. 

Here are some things to consider before having an in-person conversation.

Once we’ve chosen the right person and place, we can ask them to meet without sharing details upfront. A simple message like, “There’s something important I’d like to talk to you about. Are you free tomorrow evening?” is enough. 

Choosing a time and place that feels best for us is key—we deserve to have this conversation on our terms.

Remember…

There’s no perfect timing or single right way to tell someone what happened. You get to set the pace and the format that feels most manageable for you.