Thinking about who feels safe to tell

Choosing who to tell requires reflecting on the networks of people around us and our relationships with them. Here are some prompt questions that might help:

• What is my relationship with this person?
• What kind of support do I hope to receive from them? 
• Do I feel emotionally safe with them?
• How much do I trust them to keep my story private if I need them to?
• Are there any risks to telling them? 

Trust-mapping

If you’re feeling unsure about who to tell, this trust-mapping exercise might help. It’s a practical exercise that allows us to think about who we trust in our lives—and how trust is dynamic, and can change as we and our relationships with others change.

1. Draw two overlapping circles (also known as a ‘Venn Diagram').
2. Label one circle ‘People I trust now’, and label the other, ‘People I trusted when I was growing up’.
3. Now start filling these circles. Anyone who falls in both categories, you can put in the middle, where the circles overlap.
4. Notice, without self-judgement or blame, who goes into which part of the diagram. It’s ok if there’s no one in the ‘Who I trust now’ category. It can take time to feel able to trust again.

You can also find this exercise in the session ‘Telling someone about the assault’, in our Society, patriarchy and sexual trauma course.

Preparing for different reactions

Sometimes our loved ones can react emotionally towards hearing our pain. These reactions can be driven by feelings of helplessness or guilt: they’re angry that this trauma happened to us, and they may think they could have stopped it from happening. But we have no obligation to manage anyone else’s emotions. Choosing to tell someone is about what we need for ourselves.

Not everyone will react in the way we expect or want them to. Some people might not believe us, or they might disagree that what happened to us was abuse. If they know our abuser, they might even defend them or refuse to change how they interact with them. It’s crucial to remember that it’s not our fault if they don’t believe us. We can’t control how others respond to our story. What matters is that we spoke our truth, in the way that felt right for us. Our experience is real and valid, even if others can’t see it yet.

That’s why choosing who we open up to deserves care and thought. We deserve to be supported and believed. Sometimes, we choose to tell certain people about our experience, not because we expect them to take action or even fully understand, but simply to unburden ourselves from the weight of carrying it alone. At other times, we might confide in people—like close friends, family, or community members—who we hope will actively support our healing. Setting realistic expectations about how someone might react can help protect us from further hurt and disappointment.

For many of us, cultural factors play a role in deciding who to tell. We understand that different cultures view abuse differently; in patriarchal societies, people can blame the survivor rather than the abuser(s). This fear of stigma or judgement can make speaking out even more challenging. But not everyone in our community holds these harmful beliefs. Finding someone we trust—someone whose values align with our safety and wellbeing—can make a huge difference, especially when navigating cultural pressures.

Keeping control over our story

One of the biggest fears in telling our story is losing control over it—it’s possible that word spreads in ways we didn’t intend. These risks can make sharing our experience feel overwhelming.

But we do have control—over when, how, and what information we share, even if we’re asked directly. It’s okay to start small, test trust, and only share what feels safe. Taking it step by step can help us feel more in control and emotionally prepared.

Why we might choose a particular person

When deciding who to share our experience with, it’s important to consider not only who feels safe to confide in, but also why we’re choosing to tell them, and what kind of support we hope to receive. 

For example:

• Sharing with someone at work. They might be able to offer work-based support, like understanding when we need a break, reducing our workload, or being aware when certain environments may feel triggering for us.
• Sharing with friends or family. They might be able to support us in difficult situations, like walking with us when we feel unsafe, offering a place to stay if we need it, or helping us through a reporting process.

Sharing with a therapist or mental health professional. They can provide professional support and resources tailored to our healing journey.

Understanding any legal implications

It’s also important to understand that there might be legal implications to consider when deciding who to tell about the harm we experienced, especially if we’re under 18 or over 65. In some countries, people in certain jobs have a duty to report any illegal or unsafe behaviour—even if it happened a long time ago. Some people in professional positions (like teachers, doctors, or social workers) may be required by law to report what we share with them, especially if the abuser is still in a position where they could hurt someone else. This is sometimes called mandatory reporting. 

If this is a concern, it might be helpful to find out the legal requirements before sharing with people in these types of roles.

Choosing who to tell is deeply personal. We deserve to share our story on our own terms, with people who will honour and respect our experience.